Sympathy...

Austin as my Oxford...
When Hopkins writes about how “his love for the city grows more ‘sweet familiar’ with each passing term,” (633) I couldn’t help but think of my time in Austin. I came here three years ago and was overwhelmed by the “crowdedness” and mass of people all around campus and Austin. The traffic was horrible, both on foot and in a car, but as the semesters passed, I found ways to avoid the traffic and explore on foot both the campus and the city. There are so many buildings to be explored and looked at and I can relate to Hopkins in his increasing love for the buildings and surroundings of Oxford, or in my case, Austin and UT.

The aesthetics of colleges seem to be becoming less important—as noted by the RTF building, a modern abomination, and there are less and less Victorian structures that are highlighted. When Butler looks at the buildings and contemplates faith, he says, “Nothing remains but Beauty” (633), which reminded me of on of my favorite poems by Dickenson.
I DIED for beauty, but was scarce
Adjusted in the tomb,
When one who died for truth was lain
In an adjoining room.

He questioned softly why I failed?
“For beauty,” I replied.
“And I for truth,—the two are one;
We brethren are,” he said.

And so, as kinsmen met a night,
We talked between the rooms,
Until the moss had reached our lips,
And covered up our names.

There are so many references to the destruction of nature in Hopkins' writing, and the poem about cutting down the trees is one that is still important.



"Be a good boy, remember; and be kind to animals and birds, and read all you can." (Jude) This quote goes with sympathy, I think, because one of the definitions of sympathy from the printouts was, “Conformity of feelings, inclinations, or temperament, which makes persons agreeable to each other, community of feeling; harmony of disposition.” The cruel treatment of animals is a subject that is so important today, and like Smith says, "we have no immediate experience of what other men feel, we can form no idea of the manner in which they are affected, but by conceiving what we ourselves should feel in the like situation" (handout). If this is true for man, why is it not also true for animals. They have similar reproductive and nervous systems, so why do we figure they are without feelings. One of the things that disgusts me most is the exploitation of animals for fights or pharmaceutical testing and other things like the following video shows, so if you have a week stomach, do not watch...

Patterns of Conversion

Thirst for experience and the purpose of this class….

The search for the infinite and the thirst for experience directly relates to Alice and our college experiences.. When Alice takes a bite of the mushroom, she is curisous to know what will happen to her if she takes another bite of the other side—this constant search for experience and knowledge is the quintessential college experience. We are constantly biting new mushrooms, trying new classes, going to different rallies, etc to find out what our place is exactly or to figure out who we are. Like Tennyson, we participate in these outside experiences sometimes to cover up our pain. “the solution to a deeply personal problem was endemic to much verse.” (593)—we often join causes to distract us from problems. I know that when something is wrong with me, I choose to dive into a new project or book to take my mind off of the subject at hand. I agree with Browining when he says, “the fulfillement of desire meant spirtual death, for it removed the hhigh remote ideal that had giben motive power to the soul” (593). We can never be truly satisfied with how much we know, and when our desire for knowledge dries up, we are basically dead because if you aren’t learning anything new, what are you doing. This class is one where you are constantly thinking about what is next, what is behind you and what you are currently reading. I have yet to fully understand a text, and I am constantly going back to previous reading, and looking forward to what we will be reading about next to see what can be applied.

This class is also about getting over your fears—whether they be speaking in public, time management, computers, etc. There is like this thin film of fear that surrounds the class—you don’t want to be called on and not know the answer, or stutter or say something stupid, so you are forced to stay on task and keep up with your reading. Most classes should have this type of structure, but few do because the teachers lack authority.
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When I read what Carlyle said about happiness in The Patterns of Conversion, “the source of a man’s blessed Unhappiness in the permanent desire for the Infinite which could never be quite submerged in the depths of the Finite” (594) I couldn’t help but think of Jude’s constant search for happiness in others. His unhappiness was derived out of the fact that he looked for happiness through other people—happiness must be found within yourself, or it will be a failure. If an artist/person is constantly looking for happiness and perfection in others, than they will fail, and to truly succeed and be happy, Ruskin says, “the demand for perfection, for the perfect finish, rather than the lovely for, was always a sign of the misunderstanding of the ends of art; for the great artist never stopped working till he had reached his point of failure.” (594). If you are going to fail, fail because you worked until you know you can’t anytmore, because “imperfection was [is] in some sort essential to all we know of life” (594).

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Alice--If you are looking to peer review, see the next two posts

Going back to my roadmap, I just have to bring up the topic of everyone being in such a hurry.

Will you walk a little faster?"
Said a whiting to a snail,
"There's a porpoise close behind us,
And he's treading on my tail.
See how eagerly the lobsters
And the turtles all advance!
They are waiting on the shingle -
Will you come and join the dance?
Will you, won't you, will you,
Won't you, will you join the dance?
Will you, won't you, will you,
Won't you, won't you join the dance?

I feel like my parents are the ones treading on my tail--not that I am angry about it, but it may take more than four years for me to learn everything I want here. I have had some experiences, but I feel I have only eaten off one side of the mushroom. I have been the person watching and now that I have fallen into the rabbit hole, I am ready to dance and partake, and that might take me more than a year more, so they will have to learn (and hopefully fund).
I'm in a hurry to get things done
Oh I rush and rush until life's no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I'm in a hurry and don't know why

Don't know why I have to drive so fast
My car has nothing to prove
It's not new
But it'll do zero to sixty in five point two

I'm in a hurry to get things done
Oh I rush and rush until life's no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I'm in a hurry and don't know why

Can't be late, I leave in plenty of time
Shakin' hands with the clock
I can't stop
I'm on a roll and I'm ready to rock

I'm in a hurry to get things done
Oh I rush and rush until life's no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I'm in a hurry and don't know why

Oh, I hear a voice
That says I'm running behind
Better pick up my pace
It's a race and there ain't no room for someone in second place

I'm in a hurry to get things done
Oh I rush and rush until life's no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I'm in a hurry and don't know why -Alabama "I'm in a hurry."

Alice says that in her country, running fast leads you to where you are going, but I agree more with the Queen when she says, "Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place" (165). Sometimes, with the mountain of homework, tests and projects I feel like no matter how fast and how far I run, I end up further behind that when I started.
I get so tired sometimes that I give up, and that sets me back even further. Some nights I study for hours, and the next morning I cannot recall anything I had learned. Alice encounters the same problem when she meets the Caterpillar and cannot remember anything. "I ca'n't remember things I used--and I don't keep the same size for ten minutes together" (49). (Sidenote--freshman year I too could not keep the same size for ten minutes--I got pretty chubby...)
(I had a pillow in my stomach but still...)

Long story short, we are Alice's because college is just one big well waiting to swallow us all. You have to find your own way out...If you want out at all

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Paper 1

My paper is below, but this link should work.

https://webspace.utexas.edu/cs4445/project1.html?uniq=6259nv

Copy and paste the link. The pictures aren't showing up for some reason, but they are posted in the blog below.

The Big C-Paper 1

My Battle with the “Big C”

“Who are you?”
“I—I hardly know, Sir, just at present—at lease I knew who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then”[1]

      Math was my strong suit in high school, I was always a year ahead and always made the best grades. I looked forward to every day in statistics because that was where I did best. I never took calculus in high-school, but the four years of advanced math I did take were reflected on my report cards with “A’s.” I didn’t know who I was, but I knew I was good at math. The day I decided who I was was a day like any other. I woke up late, rushed to school, and floated along without care. I was a senior, and absolutely positive that I would be getting my acceptance letter from Washington and Lee University. The day I decided who I was was just like any other—until I got home from school. I received a letter rather than the usual acceptance package with dorm sign-ups and meal plan information. It read somewhat like the following: “Dear Ms. Shuford, we regret to inform you, you are neither smart enough nor talented enough as the rest of the applicants, BUT, if some idiot decides they don’t want to accept our invitation, we will let you know and you might be able to attend.” (Perhaps it wasn’t as harsh, but it may as well have been.) Waitlisted. At the college where I knew I was to end up, at the place I was certain to be accepted. Like Jude and Hardy, my Oxford dream was denied. Nothing has changed since the Victorian college experience—people still get disappointed, but with any luck, make the best of what they get. Determined not to give up, but still devastated, I looked at my other options. Texas was the only other place I had expressed interest in, so I decided that if W&L didn’t want me outright, then they shouldn’t be exposed to my gifts—even if a coveted spot on the waitlist opened. So, on February 16, 2005 I decided that I was a longhorn, and UT became the well that struck my curiosity, and as soon as I tried to see the bottom, I was lost. Thus began my journey—as an Alice, a Jude/Hardy, and a confused adolescent trying to unlock every wrong door.



Lost, confused and with blurred vision, I began my journey.[2]
Caroline Shuford, iphoto

“Either the well was very deep, or she fell very slowly…First, she tried to look down and make out what she was coming to, but it was too dark to see anything.”[3]

What had I fallen into?[4]
http://www.adamcline.com/illustrations/illustrations2005/aliceinwonderland05.htm

The same uncertainty presented itself within two hours of freshman orientation. I decided that I was going to transfer to business, major in International Business, and perhaps get a minor in government. The well I fell into was filled with fraternity punch, and seeing as I didn’t make it to the next three orientation “wing meetings” on account of my hangover, my dreams of becoming an international businesswoman were sunk. With my dreams drunk I settled on becoming an economics major—stupidly thinking that economics was “basically the same” as business. Both have something to do with money, and both required Calculus. Calculus—the heartless wench who I deemed the most useless of all mathematics in a non-engineering world decided that her job was to confuse, torture, and haunt me. My second semester in college was largely spent at the FAC, getting tutored and babysitting for tutoring money. No matter how hard I tried, I could not grasp the subject that was required for my major. “Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that.”[5] I was getting out of breath, and fast.

“You have never loved me as I love you—never—never! Yours is not a passionate heart—your heart does not burn in a flame!
You are, upon the whole, a sort of fay, or sprite—not a woman!”[6]

The wench I call Calculus[7]
http://gallery.hd.org/_c/maths/math-calculus-diagram-DHD.gif.html?sessionVar=spider&sessionVarLocale=de

Calculus was my Sue Bridehead. We flirted occasionally, and sometimes she would flirt back, giving me an “A” on homework, or letting me understand one concept, but never fully letting me grasp her. As soon as I felt in control, Calculus would rip the rug from under me and leave my knees bleeding and my spirit broken. At one point, like Sue, I knew that Calculus must have loved me, because for a time I succeeded. “At first I did not love you, Jude; that I own. When I first knew you I merely wanted you to love me.... and when I found I had caught you, I was frightened…. I couldn’t bear to let you go—possibly to Arabella again—and so I got to love you. But you see, however fondly it ended it began in the selfish and cruel wish to make your heart ache for me without letting mine ache for you.”[8] Our relationship began and I tried much harder to love her than she love me. Despite my greatest efforts, I could not understand Calculus, but still knew I must love her; for who is an economics that doesn’t love Calculus. She was the cheating lover, who everyone wanted but she would not give herself fully to me. All I needed was a “C.” I just needed her to love me enough to pass, to move on to the next level, but Calculus was a tease, and some days would show affection, and others she would bitch-slap me until I cried. After barely making the passing grade, Calculus and I officially broke up. She went back to her former lovers, the engineers and doctors, and I went to my Arabella, the one who I originally married but who my parents disapproved—English.

“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?”
“That depends on where you want to get to,” said the Cat.
“I don’t much care where—so long as I get somewhere.[9]"

At the crossroads, I chose my passion.[10]
http://soulterminal.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/07/crossroads.jpg

Similar to Newman, Hardy and Carroll I am convinced that the university part of my life is just the beginning. The University of Texas motto, “What starts here changes the world.” Things start here, they don’t end. I came to Texas as a shell of a person, not knowing much besides basic high school requirements. Like Jude and Hardy, I decided that my path to knowledge would undoubtedly use literature as its vehicle. “ The study of literature was thought to be an important means of building character. It was the keystone of the liberal arts, and I believe it still is. It is not the only truth, however. We each need to find our own.”[11] Calculus may have spited me, but I decided to bite back, this time stinging with the venom of the arts. She may have tripped me at the starting line, but even if I did not win the race, I new I would run somewhere. Since transferring to English, everything has certainly not come easy, but I learned with greater passion comes greater benefit. My grades improved because I struggled less to understand how the things I learned applied elsewhere because “English graduates are people who read and think and know how to communicate effectively.”[12] Like Alice, I hope to end up somewhere—anywhere—as long as it is different than where I started. Though my progression is gradual, I feel like I am moving, perhaps like the snail but I plan to join the dance. [13]

“I cannot express it; but surely you and everybody have a notion that there is, or should be, an existence of yours beyond you.
What were the use of creation, if I were entirely contained here?”[14]
What's next?

What is beyond the university? Hopefully, unlike Jude I will not have regret. I am where I want to be and the only relationship I wish to forget is my torrid four month affair with the ever so daunting, Calculus. I plan to continue to explore as Carroll did and embrace every corner of the liberal arts education as described by Newton. The Victorian university experience is much like mine, “‘Who in the world am I?’ ‘Ah, that’s the great puzzle!’”[15] Discovering and defining yourself is one of the key elements of college life. I have gone form wanting to be an international businesswoman, to hopeful doctor, to struggling economics student, to an english major. Change is the only constant that we can rely on, and that is what is shared through all college experiences. Few people, including me, know their life’s plan and are unwilling to budge. The college experience has changed little; there are still the people/subjects that torture you but make you stronger, there are still people who won’t understand you, but distinctly, there is a place where everyone fits, and as long as you don’t give up (like Jude), you are apt to find your place and excel accordingly. Regrets exist, but you don’t have to have them.

“‘In the days of my youth,’ father William replied,
‘I remember’d that youth could not last;
I thought of the future, whatever I did,
That I never might grieve for the past.’”[16]



The future is not as scary as it once was[17]
http://http://ucdavismagazine.ucdavis.edu/issues/su07/future_power.html

Jude and Hardy alike seemed to lament to much on the past and place their happiness in other people. By doing so, their success was limited to the success of their counterparts, so I learned from the Victorian experience to make your own happiness and success will follow. I was the caterpillar whose patience could not match the nesting time of a cocoon and standing at a long narrow hallway with too many doors and not enough keys. I am now an English major; uncertain about my future, but fearless nonetheless, knowing that when I look back at my college experience I will know that I tried most of the keys and found the door that was just my height and fit my key. My battle with the “Big C,” Calculus was won, and no longer will I have nightmares of logarithms and imaginary numbers stealing my children.

WC: 1353



[1] Carroll, Lewis. The Annotated Alice. Definitive ed. New York: W. W. Norton &
Company, Inc., 2000. 47.
[2] Shuford, Caroline. Foggy Glasses. Photograph. 2008. Caroline Shuford, Photo
Booth. Electronic.
[3] Carroll, Lewis. The Annotated Alice. Definitive ed. New York: W. W. Norton &
Company, Inc., 2000. 13.
[4] Cline, Adam. Alice in Wonderland. Ink and Watercolor. 2005. Adam Cline. 6 Feb.
2008 .
[5] Carroll, Lewis. The Annotated Alice. Definitive ed. New York: W. W. Norton &
Company, Inc., 2000. 165.
[6] Hardy, Thomas. Jude the Obscure. Ed. Norman Page. 2nd ed. New York: W. W. Norton
& Company, Inc., 1999. 277.
[7] "Mathematics." Chart. DHD Multimedia Gallery. 2007. Damon Hart-Davis. 6 Feb.
2008 .
[8] Hardy, Thomas. Jude the Obscure. Ed. Norman Page. 2nd ed. New York: W. W. Norton
& Company, Inc., 1999. 277.
[9] Carroll, Lewis. The Annotated Alice. Definitive ed. New York: W. W. Norton &
Company, Inc., 2000. 65.
[10] Damian. "Where are the Messages, Teachers, and Guides?" Weblog entry. 22 July
2007. Be the Change- Tread the Path. 6 Feb. 2008
.
[11] Newman, John Henry. "Newman and the Concept of the Liberal Arts." Victorian
Literature. By Jerome Bump. Austin, TX: Copyright Clearance Center,
2008. 320.
[12] University of Texas English Department. "Our Mission Statement." Victorian
Literature. By Jerome Bump. Austin: Copyright Clearance Center, Inc.,
2008. 339J.
[13] Reference to the snail and turtle in Alice.
Carroll, Lewis. The Annotated Alice. Definitive ed. New York: W. W. Norton &
Company, Inc., 2000. 102-3.
[14] Bronte, Emily. Wuthering Heights. New York: Simon and Schuster, 2004. 100.
[15] Carroll, Lewis. The Annotated Alice. Definitive ed. New York: W. W. Norton &
Company, Inc., 2000. 23.
[16] Carroll, Lewis. The Annotated Alice. Definitive ed. New York: W. W. Norton &
Company, Inc., 2000. 49.
[17] Future Power Picture. Photograph. 2007. UC Davis, California. "Future Power." By
Sylvia Wright. UC Davis Magazine 2007. UC Davis Magazine Online. 2007. UC
Davis. 6 Feb. 2008 .

Paper One

file:///Users/carebear3824/Desktop/Spring%202008/E375L/p1.htm

There's No Room at the Temperance Inn

Does happiness even exist in this novel? "She's (Sue) never found peace since she left his arms, and never will again till she's as he is now!" (322). It seems like every time someone begins to coast through in the book, something has to rain on their parade. The constant battle between happiness and love is somewhat similar to my college experience. I was originally an economics major hoping to transfer to business, but I was so unhappy. I was always studying and still making C's. Once I switched majors I was happy, and then the love began to wane as I realized that I still wanted to study business, but couldn't....Then came the lightbulb...I could minor in business!
In part fifth, Jude and Sue's struggle is one close to heart. "People don't understand us,'" he sighed heavily. "I am glad we have decided to go." (241). In high school all of my friends never understood why I took such interest in my schoolwork, and they often made fun of me, especially when I didn't follow most of them to Ole' Miss. I am glad now that I decided to go where I am understood, and I, like Jude, was uneasy in high school. "But in the country (high school) I shall always be uneasy lest there should be some more of our late experience." (241).

The sanctity of marraige, and the questioning of it are highly discussed. Perhaps Sue had it right when she said, "But I think I would much rather go on living always as lovers, as we are living now, and only meeting by day. It is so much sweeter--for the woman at least, and when she is sure of the man," (203). Take a modern day couple, like Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn who have been together since 1983, have one son of their own, and share Goldie's other three children. They have never been married, yet remain together saying that they are fearful that marraige would end their relationship. I sometimes think that I agree with that. So many people date for so long, perhaps all throughout college and after, but within a year of marriage, everything changes and divorce is eminent. Sue hits the nail on the head when it comes to men and committment, "Apart from ourselves, and our unhappy peculiarities, it is foriegn to a man's nature to go on loving a person when he is told that he must and shall be that person's lover. There would be a much likelier change of his doing it if he were not told to love" (203). The same applies with several things in a university setting. When things like homework and tests are forced upon students, they often are angered by the amount of work and either don't complete is, or wait until the last minute. Either way, something that is forced usually will not be enjoyed. Tests are this way to me, which is why I enjoy being an english major. Papers aren't like tests, there is not one best answer on a multiple choice test that sounds the same as the other four. When learning, like love, is less constricted, we are more free to be ourselves, say what we think/mean, and be open without consequences.
Lastly, to me, color has always represented freedom. Black, white, and grey can seem oppressive and containing, but a myriad of color has always been inviting. When Sue recieves the letter establishing her divorce from Phillotson, colors invade the prose. "Sue went upstairs and prepared to start, putting on a joyful coloured gown in observance of her liberty; seeing which Jude put on a lighter tie" (203).